Why, you ask

People ask me all the time why I married my husband. I used to feel like I had to explain myself to them. But today my answer is simple: "Because I love him." I've found the man that every girl dreams of finding one day. The man that loves me thru the good, the bad, the ugly, and the crazy. I've found a man that makes me laugh and that makes the rest of the world disappear when I'm with him. And even though I am unable to live with him at the present time, I've found the one man I can't live with out. People will call me stupid, desperate, lonely and whatever other names they can come up with. The truth is, I am none of these, except lonely. It is a very lonely life. I miss him every single day and my heart aches to be in his arms. I surround myself as much as possible with good friends and positive people. They keep me busy and they keep me laughing. There's days when I'm as happy as can be and then there's days when the time weighs heavy on my heart. I go to bed wishing he could go to bed with me. I lay alone and try to think of the life we're gona get to have one day. I lay in bed crying, begging, and pleading with God for the strength and courage to endure this time. I beg and plead for Him to please help me bring my husband home. I pray that He watches over my husband, that He keeps him safe, and gives him the strength as well to serve his time. People have told me, "23 years is too long to wait, he's not coming home, or his chances are so slim..." But I refuse to believe any of it. It is almost impossible for him to come home any sooner than his 23 years but I know with out a doubt that with God, all things are possible. I lean on God for strength, wisdom and comfort. I know He will bring my husband home to me. People will say "but what if?"... There are no what if's if you truly believe in the work of God. I won't let anybody convince me otherwise. I am not asking for anyone's acceptance or approval. I'm writing this mostly for my benefit. To let the truth be known so that I am no longer hiding behind a veil. So that I am no longer having to worry about if this person knows or if this one doesn't, if this person will understand or if this one won't. I am just ready to be me. This is the life and the love that I chose. I married him "for better or for worse." Our worse just happened to start from the very beginning...

Love is Love

The first few months of our relationship were especially hard. I kept quiet about it, only telling a few close friends and family members. I wasnt ready for what people would say if they knew I was in a relationship with an inmate. We continued our weekly letters and our monthly visits. We grew closer and closer as we learned more about each other than anyone else knew. DIt was during a visit in October that Benny asked me to marry him. I knew the answer immediately: Yes! On Novemeber 19, 2010 we became husband and wife. And just like in the begining, I kept quiet about our marriage also. When I did tell people that I had gotten married, I kept it brief trying to avoid having to mention that "Oh yea by the way my husbands in prison". I've never lied about our situation but up until now I have never been completely honest. People would ask questions and I would find ways to answer them with out actually lying. For example: How did you meet him?... We both grew up in the same town and met thru mutual friends. Where does he live now?... He lives out of town up near San Antonio. What does he do for a living?... He's a tattoo artist. Even with these answers being as close to the truth as I could get, I couldnt help but feel as if I've been living a double life. I am so in love with this man and all I wana do is shout it from the rooftops yet I keep it bottled up in side for fear of being judged, for fear of having to defend myself and him, and for fear of disappointing the ones I love. I can no longer live with telling only half truths. I've dogded questions and answers and I've even avoided certain places and people to avoid the questioning. I regret that it's taken me this long to come to terms with myself. I regret that it's taken me this long to gather up the courage to share with the world. If I'm going to be married to a prison inmate, if I'm gona love this man, then I'm gona love all of him and all that comes with it, whether it be good or bad, or whether I lose the ones I care about or not. It's not fair to him and doesn't give our marriage to grow the way it should. Without a doubt I know that I was made for this man. I've learned so much from my husband and he has helped me to become a better person. Society has it instilled in our minds that love has to go a "certain way" and if it doesnt go that way then it's wrong and it's not love. And though it was never my intentions to fall in love with him, though I never imagined myself being married to this prison life, I refuse to let society paint a picture of how love is supposed to be for me. Love is love no matter who it's with or where you find it.

Coming out of hiding

For those just meeting me, my name is Jovana. I am 26 years old and I am a prison wife. I first met my husband, Benny when I was 15 years old. We lived in the same town and met through mutual friends.Though we were often at the same place at the same time we never stopped to take the time to get to know each other personally. Even still I could see something special in him. In December of 2003, Benny, along with a friend of his, robbed a bank. He was sentenced to 99 years. I myself, had just graduated a few months earlier and became pregnant. I soon forget all about him and the robbery. I left home in 2005 to live in Utah with my sisters. In 2008 I came back home to Texas. I worked with a girl whose boyfriend had just been sentenced to time in prison. She invited me along on one of her trips to see him. So with my daughter and her kids, we took the trip. It was there in that same town that I remembered my friend Benny had been serving his time. I told myself I would write him when I got back home. So in June 2009 I sent my first letter. Our letters started off about once every month for the first six months. After that it turned into at least once a week. I loved telling him all about my good days and my bad days. I loved opening the mailbox to see his name on the envelopes and hearing his response and encouraging words. He soon became my best friend. He made me feel normal and sane in my own world of chaos. I found out that with his 99 year sentence, the minimum that was needed to be done was 30 years. Within months I started getting butterflies as I read his words. I would quickly shoo them away, thinking " What is wrong with me? I cant be feeling like this towards, not only a man in prison but a man in prison with a life sentence." I took my first trip to see Benny in March of 2010. Visits came about once a month. I had never been in a prison before seeing him so I was extremely nervous and didn't know what to expect. With each visit I learned something new about him and about how the prison system worked. I loved seeing his smiling face but it broke my heart seeing him in those handcuffs. Three months later, I felt a change between us. While sitting across from him in the visiting room, I fell in love with him. On the drive home I considered the possibilities of being with him. I was scared. All our lives we're taught that "bad people" go to prison. We're made to think that their not actually "people", that they deserve to be in there and they don't deserve have anything, especially love. And here I was loving one of "those people". What would everybody think? Could I even tell anybody? Would they judge me for his mistakes? Would they think I was lonely, pathetic and desperate? I thought about it for the rest of the day. I sat down that night to write him to let him know I was ready to be with him. I could no longer deny or hide my feelings for this beautiful amazing man that I was blessed to cross paths with. I didn't know what his response would be. We had become very close, we flirted and even mentioned the idea of being together but I had already told him once I would never be able to do it. A few days later I got his response. His answer: "I'm already yours, I was just waiting for you". And so our relationship began....